if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
