Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
