I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
