oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
