and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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