i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
