i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
