He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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