Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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