I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
