never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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