just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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