The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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