Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she peed on how many people?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
