He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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