So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
