Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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