It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
