Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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