he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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