Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
