wakey wakey hands off snakey
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize