if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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