Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
