And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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