This is not my ceiling
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
