Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize