Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
