We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You pole danced in your parka.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
