Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i think i just lost a toe
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