If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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