Your mouth is God's brothel.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
