She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
