You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
