You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
