Hey man sorry I got all grabby
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
