Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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