youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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