i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
