Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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