My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
