Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
don't judge my taste in strippers
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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