oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
