I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
