Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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