haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
