You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
