if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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