Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she peed on how many people?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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