I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
