i can't believe i had my finger in that
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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