I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
