Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
