I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
