I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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