i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
