i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
