Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Randomize
