i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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