Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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