im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
