Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
